After Christmas Sales: Reach Out and Kill Someone!

Well, I'm back from cleaning Hell's litter boxes. It was . . . the stench . . . the mess . . . THE HORROR! Let us never speak of it again. However, for those of you who would like to turn your lives over to Satan, but are saddened by the thought of all the little kitty cats in hell, don't worry: the cats love it. Hell is very warm, and it amuses them to rub against all the ailurophobes and people with allergies.

After I returned, Satan kindly alerted me to a newspaper advertisement for a gun show. The ad. tickled Satan for several reasons. For one thing, "collectibles" was twice spelled "collectables." All right, technically "collectable" is an acceptable variant, but not to Satan. Not many people know that the Knight of Knaughtiness is a stickler over spelling, grammar and punctuation. In fact, contrary to what Dante says, the eighth circle of hell is devoted to sentence diagramming.

What is really delightful about the ad., though, is the variety of deadly weapons available. Remember, guns don't kill people, unless you use them correctly. Here's a little tip on using them correctly: point and shoot. But wait, there's more: not only can you buy guns, ammo, scopes, reloading supplies and, for some reason, coins (I guess if you sharpened them, you could hurt someone with them), you can get your knives sharpened! In other words, no matter what draconian laws our bleeding-heart liberal legislators pass (their hearts aren't bleeding enough, am I right or am I right?), you can still walk out of there with a murder weapon. You're all set to kill!

I know what you're thinking, "Damn, I'd love to get an uzi, but money's really tight after the holidays." Don't worry, you don't need a fancy assault weapon: weapons are all around you. Try a nice, big rock or a pointed stick. Common household items and the products of nature will work a treat.

And Iowans, I can't emphasize enough that the destruction of the world is in your pasty white hands: vote Huckabee at your freaky weird caucuses!

A Holiday Message from Satan

BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, WORMS!

The slime, Lucian, has displeased me; consequently I have punished him by making him clean all of hell's litter boxes. I have realized, though, that while he is hip-deep in the Detritus of the Damned no one is spreading my message. Except my Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, of course.

So, my quivering maggots, you have been celebrating your holidays. How many Deadly Sins have you committed? I'll assume you have committed gluttony and pass on. After stuffing yourself into a near-coma with sugary treats, how long did it take you to move any part of your body beside your bowels? Ah, poor slothful darling!

How eagerly did you tear open your presents to get to your i-pods? Greed my crawling minions. Were you just a little piqued when you realized that Cousin Jeoffrey had received an i-phone. Tut, tut, that's envy.

Did you want to scream when Great-Aunt Myrtle got tipsy on eggnog and started singing inappropriate songs? Oh, dearie me, that's wrath.

Were you guilty of lust? Are you male? How about female? Mmmm? Hasn't Cousin Becky (or Biff) grown since last year? My, doesn't your sister-in-law look good since she lost the baby weight?

Were your proud? Are you human? I can't imagine why you little slugs would be proud, but you always are, in your nasty little hearts.

Oh, I know, when you wake up hung-over on New Year's Day, you'll make a little list of resolutions and you'll promise to be better, but it won't last: it never does. Give up now, my creatures; give yourselves to me and Vote Huckabee.

Some Things Are Scarier Than Satan

Here's one:

For those of you who have been thinking, "Well, sure, Satanism sounds like fun and I like Huckabee just fine, but I just couldn't spend eternity in hell with Ann Coulter. One lifetime on the same planet is more than enough." Don't worry. Satan assured me she will be in solitary. Even Satan can't take that shrill psycho-whore (I apologize to any shrill psycho-whores who may, understandably, be offended by the comparison, like, say, Michelle Malkin).

Recently, the Abominable Ann has been badmouthing the Huckahoney. Apparently, she believes he's giving religious intolerance a bad name. In her latest screed, she asserts that Huckabee is the darling of godless left (and not just us Satanists):

As far as I can tell, it's mostly secular liberals swooning over Huckabee. Liberals adore Huckabee because he fits their image of what an evangelical should be: stupid and easily led.

Well, yeah, or loud-mouthed and so deeply dishonest that it brings a blush to the already red face of the Lord of Lies.

Ann's grinding her vaginal fangs because Huckabee suggested he didn't want to overturn mainstream science entirely:

Asked on CNN's "Larry King Live" Monday night about his beliefs on evolution, Huckabee rushed to assure King that he has no interest in altering textbooks that foist this fraud on innocent schoolchildren.

She then asks the burning question:

What other discredited mystery religions -- as mathematician David Berlinski calls Darwinism -- does Huckabee want to teach children? Sorcery? Phrenology? Alchemy?

The science of Intelligent Design, perhaps?

What's really got her studded knickers in a twist, though, is that ol' Mike just doesn't hate homosexuality enough.

Huckabee insults gays by pointlessly citing the Bible's rather pointed remarks about sodomy --

The bastard--wait, what?

And yet, Huckabee has said he agrees with the Supreme Court's lunatic opinion that sodomy is a constitutional right.

Oh, I see.

Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a spirited dissent in Lawrence, joined by Justices William Rehnquist and Clarence Thomas, raising the somewhat embarrassing point that homosexual sodomy is not technically mentioned in the Constitution. Otherwise, our Founding Fathers would have been our "Founding Life Partners."

Awww, isn't that cute? She made a funny. Now, I'm no lawyer like Ann (though I hear she'll have company in hell), but I had an inkling that Missionary Position "is not technically mentioned in the Constitution." If a state passed a law against it, however, well, we might not have Founding Fathers at all.

Thinking about Ann is making even Satan a bit bilious. Try to think of happier thoughts, like, I don't know, exploding baby bunnies or something.

Merry Christmas!

From Satan's Little Helper:



I'm always excited when I discover Satan has sent me an email, especially a humorous video (his email is satan666@satancorp.com. Don't send him spam, though. SERIOUSLY, not if you like singe-free sexual organs). I had planned to get to this diabolic gag reel sooner, but Satan punished me for not replying instantaneously that I was ROFLMAO by smiting me with a piercing migraine (and I really mean "piercing"). Then he punished me for delaying my post by sending a migraine that is both piercing and burning. So I figured I better get on with it, but you'll forgive me if my typing becomes erratic and I suddenly sodjfalenga;pdsjz;sldngfaoiwprgbvoawefmn. Xos;asfnwernga;joasdj!

Sorry, that wasn't the migraine; I was typing in tongues (damned evangelicals think they invented everything).

I know you're probably asking, "Hey, Lucian, why is Satan so pleased by such a touching, devout and earnest Christmas message? Doesn't he play for the other team?" Well, here's the thing, whenever Satan sniffs out any attempt to step on the Constitution, limit civil rights, or establish a theocracy (aka, Diabolocracy) he feels a tingle in his naughty bits. And ALL Satan's bits are naughty. I just got a tingle in my naughty bits thinking about him tingling.

Also, Satan finds it hilarious that Bill Donohue of the Catholic League was offended by The Huckster's religiosity. Unintentional irony is Satan's favorite form of humor (well, that and Benny Hill slapstick). He was so amused by the falling out of two such hypocritical zealots that he accidentally set the Eisenhower Building on fire with his laughter (well, I say accidentally...).

Huckabunny's ad. was discussed this morning on The View. Satan loves to watch The View while he's drinking his morning cup of brimstone. Several of the ladies seemed to think that the magical floating cross was an accident. Clearly, it is a bookcase behind him. That's as may be, but one assumes that someone from the campaign actually looked at the ad. before it aired. Surely those people could see what everyone else can see. Anyway, the cross is pretty incidental. The piece is overtly Christian. Whoopi Goldberg saw nothing wrong with it. She said (and I paraphrase): "He said 'Merry Christmas.' Well, it's Christmas. He mentioned Christ's birth; well it's his birthday." Yes, Whoopi, and it's also a political ad.!

Well, I'll just leave you with these words of wickedness: asmndfvo;dsjvlaengfomnv;zsdfjzng;aovjbzshjnpvmz;dsofjgpaedrmgpdjgsengojgvsenrdfgjono;aw
sdno;sdmnvdsjfvonv;iodfnvg;sofjnvgo;ijg!!!!

Why Not Mitt?

It's a fair question. Mitt may not have offered a dog as a sacrifice to the Bad Goatherd, but he strapped one to the roof of his car. Surely that counts for something. Plus, he has televangelist hair.


And Satan loves televangelists,
All the televangelists of the world.
Be they white, white, white, or white,
They are naughty in his sight.
Satan loves the televangelists of the world.


Just think of Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Ted Haggard. They're all precious to Satan. (Trade secret: they all use Satan brand hairspray: it binds the hair and the soul).

And Mitt has other things going for him, as well. For instance, there is his ability to strongly believe and support whatever his prospective voters are likely to believe and support, even if that means changing his deeply held beliefs every few years.

On the other hand, that wacky Mormon belief that Lucifer and Jesus are brothers really pisses off the Monarch of Mendacity: he's very picky about the company he keeps.

But remember, Satan can put money on more than one horse. Unlike God. When God gives his word to one candidate, he has to stick with it. God talks to George W. Bush, Mike Huckabee, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts and many others. Funny thing, he doesn't tell them the same thing. Must be that terrible speech impediment he has. He does pick sides, though. Apparently, he always chooses the winning side in football; at least, the players always give him credit (odd, though, that he doesn't always choose the Saints). And just look at some of the Grammy winners he's chosen. Jeepers.

Why Mike?

I was surprised myself. When Satan came to me and said, "Hey, Lucian, I like Mike." I said, "What, are you crazy, Lucifer?" He punished me quite severely for some time for my lack of respect. When I recovered the power of speech, I asked, "But, your Naughtiness, isn't Huckabee on the other side? Please don't hurt me again!"

Did I mention Satan talks to me? I suppose I should have explained that. You know that drivel God reveals to Pat Robertson? Well, it's a lot like that, except Satan's track record is a lot better.

What many people don't understand is that Satan loves this country, and by "this country," of course I mean the Republican Party. Satan always says, "There's no party like the Republican Party." Satan's a lot funnier than most people give him credit for.

"Lucian, my loathsome minion," said Satan, "of course Huckabee is one of mine. Do you believe he lost all that weight without my assistance? In return I convinced him to pardon all those prisoners."

Huh, Satan really had a point there (not that I would EVER question the Wielder of Wickedness). I did some research and discovered the following: "Huckabee granted 1,033 pardons and commutations in his 10 1/2 years as governor of Arkansas. The acts of clemency benefited the stepson of a staff member, murderers who worked at the governor's mansion, a rock star and inmates who received good words from their pastors."

Satan then blinded me for daring to verify His Word.

After I'd groveled for a bit, Satan deigned to explain further: "Vile Lucian, was it not clear that Huckabee was Mine Own Anointed when his son hanged a dog at a Boy Scout camp? That dog was a sacrifice unto me. Did you not find it odd that no charges were ever filed?"

(Not that the devil doesn't like dogs; he has a fine team of Hell Hounds)

You see, it's all so clear really. How could a man named Huckabee NOT be flour in the Devil's Food Cake of life?

Remember, give blood--take a life!

Yours in Beelzebub,
Lucian Ba'al Helzapoppin