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Man, am I tired out from all of that last minute Huck-stering I did in Iowa. I can't tell you how many people I drove to polling places or caucuses or whatever Iowans choose to call them. Naturally, I was in disguise. The burns from lugging that bible around will probably never heal.
Of course, Satan did his part too. You just wouldn't believe the way Rapture-loving Christians take to Satan. It's kind of touching, really. Fortunately for Satan, he never gets tired. Nope. He was all perky and ready for his weekly poker game with God. Apparently, God cheats; that's what Satan says anyway, and I would NEVER question Satan. It's that whole omniscient thing God has going--I mean who would bet against someone who's all-knowing? Well, Satan, obviously. Fortunately, Satan cheats, too. Duh.
Anyway, you know how guys get when they're sitting around, smoking cigars, drinking some brews and playing poker: they get to talking. About chicks, who they like, who they hate, etc. Turns out they both hate Ann Coulter. I've mentioned Satan's repugnance toward Ann before. He loves the deep dishonesty and the hypocrisy, of course. He just finds her creepy and unsavory.
Last time I discussed The Beast (I mean Ann, not Satan) I got a deeply disturbing comment from someone who apparently fantasizes about her (I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about such a thing, and by "a little" I mean Exorcist spewing). Someone else put an optimistic spin on such loathsome thoughts by suggesting that perhaps the fantasy involved legally shooting her as self-defense (see pic. of Ann with gun). I was forced to point out that she can't be killed by bullets, not even silver ones--according to Satan.
This got me to thinking, what is The Coulter? Clearly she's not human, and apparently she's not a werewolf, so what is she? Vampire? Robot? And how could we get rid of her?
Just pray to whatever you worship that she doesn't open those shapeless stick legs!
Here's one:
For those of you who have been thinking, "Well, sure, Satanism sounds like fun and I like Huckabee just fine, but I just couldn't spend eternity in hell with Ann Coulter. One lifetime on the same planet is more than enough." Don't worry. Satan assured me she will be in solitary. Even Satan can't take that shrill psycho-whore (I apologize to any shrill psycho-whores who may, understandably, be offended by the comparison, like, say, Michelle Malkin).
Recently, the Abominable Ann has been badmouthing the Huckahoney. Apparently, she believes he's giving religious intolerance a bad name. In her latest screed, she asserts that Huckabee is the darling of godless left (and not just us Satanists):
As far as I can tell, it's mostly secular liberals swooning over Huckabee. Liberals adore Huckabee because he fits their image of what an evangelical should be: stupid and easily led.
Well, yeah, or loud-mouthed and so deeply dishonest that it brings a blush to the already red face of the Lord of Lies.
Ann's grinding her vaginal fangs because Huckabee suggested he didn't want to overturn mainstream science entirely:
Asked on CNN's "Larry King Live" Monday night about his beliefs on evolution, Huckabee rushed to assure King that he has no interest in altering textbooks that foist this fraud on innocent schoolchildren.
She then asks the burning question:
What other discredited mystery religions -- as mathematician David Berlinski calls Darwinism -- does Huckabee want to teach children? Sorcery? Phrenology? Alchemy?
The science of Intelligent Design, perhaps?
What's really got her studded knickers in a twist, though, is that ol' Mike just doesn't hate homosexuality enough.
Huckabee insults gays by pointlessly citing the Bible's rather pointed remarks about sodomy --
The bastard--wait, what?
And yet, Huckabee has said he agrees with the Supreme Court's lunatic opinion that sodomy is a constitutional right.
Oh, I see.
Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a spirited dissent in Lawrence, joined by Justices William Rehnquist and Clarence Thomas, raising the somewhat embarrassing point that homosexual sodomy is not technically mentioned in the Constitution. Otherwise, our Founding Fathers would have been our "Founding Life Partners."
Awww, isn't that cute? She made a funny. Now, I'm no lawyer like Ann (though I hear she'll have company in hell), but I had an inkling that Missionary Position "is not technically mentioned in the Constitution." If a state passed a law against it, however, well, we might not have Founding Fathers at all.
Thinking about Ann is making even Satan a bit bilious. Try to think of happier thoughts, like, I don't know, exploding baby bunnies or something.
Just pray to whatever you worship that she doesn't open those shapeless stick legs!
