Why Mike?

I was surprised myself. When Satan came to me and said, "Hey, Lucian, I like Mike." I said, "What, are you crazy, Lucifer?" He punished me quite severely for some time for my lack of respect. When I recovered the power of speech, I asked, "But, your Naughtiness, isn't Huckabee on the other side? Please don't hurt me again!"

Did I mention Satan talks to me? I suppose I should have explained that. You know that drivel God reveals to Pat Robertson? Well, it's a lot like that, except Satan's track record is a lot better.

What many people don't understand is that Satan loves this country, and by "this country," of course I mean the Republican Party. Satan always says, "There's no party like the Republican Party." Satan's a lot funnier than most people give him credit for.

"Lucian, my loathsome minion," said Satan, "of course Huckabee is one of mine. Do you believe he lost all that weight without my assistance? In return I convinced him to pardon all those prisoners."

Huh, Satan really had a point there (not that I would EVER question the Wielder of Wickedness). I did some research and discovered the following: "Huckabee granted 1,033 pardons and commutations in his 10 1/2 years as governor of Arkansas. The acts of clemency benefited the stepson of a staff member, murderers who worked at the governor's mansion, a rock star and inmates who received good words from their pastors."

Satan then blinded me for daring to verify His Word.

After I'd groveled for a bit, Satan deigned to explain further: "Vile Lucian, was it not clear that Huckabee was Mine Own Anointed when his son hanged a dog at a Boy Scout camp? That dog was a sacrifice unto me. Did you not find it odd that no charges were ever filed?"

(Not that the devil doesn't like dogs; he has a fine team of Hell Hounds)

You see, it's all so clear really. How could a man named Huckabee NOT be flour in the Devil's Food Cake of life?

Remember, give blood--take a life!

Yours in Beelzebub,
Lucian Ba'al Helzapoppin