You May Already Be A Sinner!

Here's a simple quiz to help you find out if you're a sinner:

Question 1. Are you breathing?

If you answered "yes," Congratulations, You Are a SINNER!!!

Oh, I know what you're thinking, "But, Lucian, why should I believe you? Aren't you an emissary of the Emperor of Emptiness? And don't you support Huckabee?"

Well, sure, but you don't have to take my word for it. It's in That Book: "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us" (1John 1:18, KJV--Hell, yes, the devil can quote scripture!). Don't trust the Word of God? Well, I don't blame you, but for another perspective (okay, the same perspective), here's what a good Christian has to say: "Pride is a sin in its self. None of us are perfect, righteous, or sinless."

So, you're a sinner. What are you going to do about it? Here's what Douglas V. Gibbs at carriedbychrist.blogspot.com suggests:

Pride is a sin in its self. None of us are perfect, righteous, or sinless. When we received Christ, however, we were no longer under the control of sin. We became new creations in Christ. We still struggle with the temptation of sin, and it is only human to have lapses. In fact, Scripture clearly teaches that we will sin even after our conversion. But the difference is, as a Christian when we sin we feel shame, and work to correct ourselves. We desire to please Him. Those lost without Christ do not feel what we feel. They sin habitually, persistently and continually. True conversion, accompanied with true faith, results in good fruit. We are not saved by our works, but surely our works should reflect our salvation. And through it all, our pride should melt away, and humility ought to replace it.

It is easy for us to sin. Every time we obey God and resist sin, our new nature in Him builds itself stronger.

Well, sure, you can repent, confess, promise to do better, but you're just going to sin again anyway. Almost immediately. And you're probably going to commit the same sins over and over. You might not always even know that you're sinning. Do you know exactly what God does and does not consider a sin? You do?

SINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And what about those sins that you know are sins, but you really don't feel all that bad about? You know the ones I mean.

So, you could repent, confess, do penance, promise to sin no more, or engage in an act of ritualized cannibalism/vampirism, but you're just gonna keep on a-sinnin'. So, why not just give up now? Embrace the sin. It's freeing. Your cares will melt away. Along with your soul and your conscience, the pesky, worthless little buggers. Join the Poobah of Putrescence.

And remember, vote Huckabee, demon tested; devil approved.

Why Mike?

I was surprised myself. When Satan came to me and said, "Hey, Lucian, I like Mike." I said, "What, are you crazy, Lucifer?" He punished me quite severely for some time for my lack of respect. When I recovered the power of speech, I asked, "But, your Naughtiness, isn't Huckabee on the other side? Please don't hurt me again!"

Did I mention Satan talks to me? I suppose I should have explained that. You know that drivel God reveals to Pat Robertson? Well, it's a lot like that, except Satan's track record is a lot better.

What many people don't understand is that Satan loves this country, and by "this country," of course I mean the Republican Party. Satan always says, "There's no party like the Republican Party." Satan's a lot funnier than most people give him credit for.

"Lucian, my loathsome minion," said Satan, "of course Huckabee is one of mine. Do you believe he lost all that weight without my assistance? In return I convinced him to pardon all those prisoners."

Huh, Satan really had a point there (not that I would EVER question the Wielder of Wickedness). I did some research and discovered the following: "Huckabee granted 1,033 pardons and commutations in his 10 1/2 years as governor of Arkansas. The acts of clemency benefited the stepson of a staff member, murderers who worked at the governor's mansion, a rock star and inmates who received good words from their pastors."

Satan then blinded me for daring to verify His Word.

After I'd groveled for a bit, Satan deigned to explain further: "Vile Lucian, was it not clear that Huckabee was Mine Own Anointed when his son hanged a dog at a Boy Scout camp? That dog was a sacrifice unto me. Did you not find it odd that no charges were ever filed?"

(Not that the devil doesn't like dogs; he has a fine team of Hell Hounds)

You see, it's all so clear really. How could a man named Huckabee NOT be flour in the Devil's Food Cake of life?

Remember, give blood--take a life!

Yours in Beelzebub,
Lucian Ba'al Helzapoppin