Thou hast displeased me, New Hampshire. Thou hast brought down my curse upon thee. Henceforth, I shall send a fog of befuddlement upon the peoples of the earth, and they shall confuse thee with Vermont and Connecticut. Possibly also Rhode Island. People shall come unto thee, seeking cheddar cheese, maple syrup, the Charter Oak, and Woonsocket, and they shall be sorely disappointed. And, yea, those who seek granite, a free life, or death shall pass thee by.
Conversely, Iowa shall have my protection. No longer will the peoples of the earth associate it with potatoes, but rather they shall know it for, uh, its fine collection of white people, vowels and semi-vowels.
And, lo, as a further vent to my vengeance, New Hampshire, I shall send unto thee Chuck Norris, who will beat the snot out of thy citizens and smother them with his hair piece.
May this serve as a warning unto the people of Michigan and South Carolina.
Sincerely,
Satan, the Regent of Rage
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Proof That There Is No Benevolent God
I've found definitive proof that there is no kindly, benevolent God and absolute proof in my Lord and Master, Satan. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? It's pretty terrifying: you should prepare yourself. Make sure no impressionable children are in the room.
Okay, here goes. It's kittywigs.com, and it's definitely a sign of the apocalypse. Here's just an inkling of the horror you will encounter if you are brave enough to click the link:
By the way, this poor animal's name is "Chicken." So, for all you stubborn believers, clearly the time has come for you to give up and worship Satan. Show your support by voting Huckabee in New Hampshire.
Okay, here goes. It's kittywigs.com, and it's definitely a sign of the apocalypse. Here's just an inkling of the horror you will encounter if you are brave enough to click the link:
By the way, this poor animal's name is "Chicken." So, for all you stubborn believers, clearly the time has come for you to give up and worship Satan. Show your support by voting Huckabee in New Hampshire.
Hucka-WEEEEEE and EEEEK, it's The Coulter!
Man, am I tired out from all of that last minute Huck-stering I did in Iowa. I can't tell you how many people I drove to polling places or caucuses or whatever Iowans choose to call them. Naturally, I was in disguise. The burns from lugging that bible around will probably never heal.
Of course, Satan did his part too. You just wouldn't believe the way Rapture-loving Christians take to Satan. It's kind of touching, really. Fortunately for Satan, he never gets tired. Nope. He was all perky and ready for his weekly poker game with God. Apparently, God cheats; that's what Satan says anyway, and I would NEVER question Satan. It's that whole omniscient thing God has going--I mean who would bet against someone who's all-knowing? Well, Satan, obviously. Fortunately, Satan cheats, too. Duh.
Anyway, you know how guys get when they're sitting around, smoking cigars, drinking some brews and playing poker: they get to talking. About chicks, who they like, who they hate, etc. Turns out they both hate Ann Coulter. I've mentioned Satan's repugnance toward Ann before. He loves the deep dishonesty and the hypocrisy, of course. He just finds her creepy and unsavory.
Last time I discussed The Beast (I mean Ann, not Satan) I got a deeply disturbing comment from someone who apparently fantasizes about her (I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about such a thing, and by "a little" I mean Exorcist spewing). Someone else put an optimistic spin on such loathsome thoughts by suggesting that perhaps the fantasy involved legally shooting her as self-defense (see pic. of Ann with gun). I was forced to point out that she can't be killed by bullets, not even silver ones--according to Satan.
This got me to thinking, what is The Coulter? Clearly she's not human, and apparently she's not a werewolf, so what is she? Vampire? Robot? And how could we get rid of her?
Just pray to whatever you worship that she doesn't open those shapeless stick legs!
Of course, Satan did his part too. You just wouldn't believe the way Rapture-loving Christians take to Satan. It's kind of touching, really. Fortunately for Satan, he never gets tired. Nope. He was all perky and ready for his weekly poker game with God. Apparently, God cheats; that's what Satan says anyway, and I would NEVER question Satan. It's that whole omniscient thing God has going--I mean who would bet against someone who's all-knowing? Well, Satan, obviously. Fortunately, Satan cheats, too. Duh.
Anyway, you know how guys get when they're sitting around, smoking cigars, drinking some brews and playing poker: they get to talking. About chicks, who they like, who they hate, etc. Turns out they both hate Ann Coulter. I've mentioned Satan's repugnance toward Ann before. He loves the deep dishonesty and the hypocrisy, of course. He just finds her creepy and unsavory.
Last time I discussed The Beast (I mean Ann, not Satan) I got a deeply disturbing comment from someone who apparently fantasizes about her (I just threw up a little in my mouth thinking about such a thing, and by "a little" I mean Exorcist spewing). Someone else put an optimistic spin on such loathsome thoughts by suggesting that perhaps the fantasy involved legally shooting her as self-defense (see pic. of Ann with gun). I was forced to point out that she can't be killed by bullets, not even silver ones--according to Satan.
This got me to thinking, what is The Coulter? Clearly she's not human, and apparently she's not a werewolf, so what is she? Vampire? Robot? And how could we get rid of her?
Just pray to whatever you worship that she doesn't open those shapeless stick legs!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
SATAN DECLARES HUCKABEE WINNER IN IOWA CAUCUSES!
Practice saying it now, kiddies: President Mike Huckabeelzabob.
After Christmas Sales: Reach Out and Kill Someone!
Well, I'm back from cleaning Hell's litter boxes. It was . . . the stench . . . the mess . . . THE HORROR! Let us never speak of it again. However, for those of you who would like to turn your lives over to Satan, but are saddened by the thought of all the little kitty cats in hell, don't worry: the cats love it. Hell is very warm, and it amuses them to rub against all the ailurophobes and people with allergies.
After I returned, Satan kindly alerted me to a newspaper advertisement for a gun show. The ad. tickled Satan for several reasons. For one thing, "collectibles" was twice spelled "collectables." All right, technically "collectable" is an acceptable variant, but not to Satan. Not many people know that the Knight of Knaughtiness is a stickler over spelling, grammar and punctuation. In fact, contrary to what Dante says, the eighth circle of hell is devoted to sentence diagramming.
What is really delightful about the ad., though, is the variety of deadly weapons available. Remember, guns don't kill people, unless you use them correctly. Here's a little tip on using them correctly: point and shoot. But wait, there's more: not only can you buy guns, ammo, scopes, reloading supplies and, for some reason, coins (I guess if you sharpened them, you could hurt someone with them), you can get your knives sharpened! In other words, no matter what draconian laws our bleeding-heart liberal legislators pass (their hearts aren't bleeding enough, am I right or am I right?), you can still walk out of there with a murder weapon. You're all set to kill!
I know what you're thinking, "Damn, I'd love to get an uzi, but money's really tight after the holidays." Don't worry, you don't need a fancy assault weapon: weapons are all around you. Try a nice, big rock or a pointed stick. Common household items and the products of nature will work a treat.
And Iowans, I can't emphasize enough that the destruction of the world is in your pasty white hands: vote Huckabee at your freaky weird caucuses!
After I returned, Satan kindly alerted me to a newspaper advertisement for a gun show. The ad. tickled Satan for several reasons. For one thing, "collectibles" was twice spelled "collectables." All right, technically "collectable" is an acceptable variant, but not to Satan. Not many people know that the Knight of Knaughtiness is a stickler over spelling, grammar and punctuation. In fact, contrary to what Dante says, the eighth circle of hell is devoted to sentence diagramming.
What is really delightful about the ad., though, is the variety of deadly weapons available. Remember, guns don't kill people, unless you use them correctly. Here's a little tip on using them correctly: point and shoot. But wait, there's more: not only can you buy guns, ammo, scopes, reloading supplies and, for some reason, coins (I guess if you sharpened them, you could hurt someone with them), you can get your knives sharpened! In other words, no matter what draconian laws our bleeding-heart liberal legislators pass (their hearts aren't bleeding enough, am I right or am I right?), you can still walk out of there with a murder weapon. You're all set to kill!
I know what you're thinking, "Damn, I'd love to get an uzi, but money's really tight after the holidays." Don't worry, you don't need a fancy assault weapon: weapons are all around you. Try a nice, big rock or a pointed stick. Common household items and the products of nature will work a treat.
And Iowans, I can't emphasize enough that the destruction of the world is in your pasty white hands: vote Huckabee at your freaky weird caucuses!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
A Holiday Message from Satan
BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, WORMS!
The slime, Lucian, has displeased me; consequently I have punished him by making him clean all of hell's litter boxes. I have realized, though, that while he is hip-deep in the Detritus of the Damned no one is spreading my message. Except my Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, of course.
So, my quivering maggots, you have been celebrating your holidays. How many Deadly Sins have you committed? I'll assume you have committed gluttony and pass on. After stuffing yourself into a near-coma with sugary treats, how long did it take you to move any part of your body beside your bowels? Ah, poor slothful darling!
How eagerly did you tear open your presents to get to your i-pods? Greed my crawling minions. Were you just a little piqued when you realized that Cousin Jeoffrey had received an i-phone. Tut, tut, that's envy.
Did you want to scream when Great-Aunt Myrtle got tipsy on eggnog and started singing inappropriate songs? Oh, dearie me, that's wrath.
Were you guilty of lust? Are you male? How about female? Mmmm? Hasn't Cousin Becky (or Biff) grown since last year? My, doesn't your sister-in-law look good since she lost the baby weight?
Were your proud? Are you human? I can't imagine why you little slugs would be proud, but you always are, in your nasty little hearts.
Oh, I know, when you wake up hung-over on New Year's Day, you'll make a little list of resolutions and you'll promise to be better, but it won't last: it never does. Give up now, my creatures; give yourselves to me and Vote Huckabee.
The slime, Lucian, has displeased me; consequently I have punished him by making him clean all of hell's litter boxes. I have realized, though, that while he is hip-deep in the Detritus of the Damned no one is spreading my message. Except my Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, of course.
So, my quivering maggots, you have been celebrating your holidays. How many Deadly Sins have you committed? I'll assume you have committed gluttony and pass on. After stuffing yourself into a near-coma with sugary treats, how long did it take you to move any part of your body beside your bowels? Ah, poor slothful darling!
How eagerly did you tear open your presents to get to your i-pods? Greed my crawling minions. Were you just a little piqued when you realized that Cousin Jeoffrey had received an i-phone. Tut, tut, that's envy.
Did you want to scream when Great-Aunt Myrtle got tipsy on eggnog and started singing inappropriate songs? Oh, dearie me, that's wrath.
Were you guilty of lust? Are you male? How about female? Mmmm? Hasn't Cousin Becky (or Biff) grown since last year? My, doesn't your sister-in-law look good since she lost the baby weight?
Were your proud? Are you human? I can't imagine why you little slugs would be proud, but you always are, in your nasty little hearts.
Oh, I know, when you wake up hung-over on New Year's Day, you'll make a little list of resolutions and you'll promise to be better, but it won't last: it never does. Give up now, my creatures; give yourselves to me and Vote Huckabee.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
SANTA CRUCIFIED!!
You know it's going to be a good day for devil-worship when you wake up, look at the news and see that Santa has been crucified.
It's supposed to be some sort of protest against the commercialization of Christmas (the guy's Xmas cards say, "Santa died for your MasterCard") but it's the (evil) spirit of the thing that just tickles me so much.
So, I decided to do a little experiment: I Googled "santa crucified." First of all, when I began typing in Firefox's toolbar's Google search, I was presented with the option "santa crucified" by the time I got to "santa cr." My computer knows me so well. Anyway, I came up with 537 hits. When I removed the quotation marks, I got over 400,000 hits. So I thought I would share the Satanic joy of Christmas with the rest of you.
Here's a guy who crucified Santa, again using the excuse of a high-minded protest against commercialism:
Artist Jimmy Wright (how many great artists are named "Jimmy" or "Billy"?) says:
Finally, I'd like to leave you with an image that can't fail to give all good Satanists the warm-fuzzies during this holiday season:
It's supposed to be some sort of protest against the commercialization of Christmas (the guy's Xmas cards say, "Santa died for your MasterCard") but it's the (evil) spirit of the thing that just tickles me so much.So, I decided to do a little experiment: I Googled "santa crucified." First of all, when I began typing in Firefox's toolbar's Google search, I was presented with the option "santa crucified" by the time I got to "santa cr." My computer knows me so well. Anyway, I came up with 537 hits. When I removed the quotation marks, I got over 400,000 hits. So I thought I would share the Satanic joy of Christmas with the rest of you.
Here's a guy who crucified Santa, again using the excuse of a high-minded protest against commercialism:
Artist Jimmy Wright (how many great artists are named "Jimmy" or "Billy"?) says:I don't know how it came into my mind but I thought I'm going to take Santa Claus and I'm going to crucify him.I think we all know how it came into his mind, don't we? And his neighbors see it too:
I think it's an evil way. Kids see things like that and children — they see that on the front page — I think that's terrible.Well put, anonymous, semi-coherent woman.
Finally, I'd like to leave you with an image that can't fail to give all good Satanists the warm-fuzzies during this holiday season:
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