Why Not Mitt?

It's a fair question. Mitt may not have offered a dog as a sacrifice to the Bad Goatherd, but he strapped one to the roof of his car. Surely that counts for something. Plus, he has televangelist hair.


And Satan loves televangelists,
All the televangelists of the world.
Be they white, white, white, or white,
They are naughty in his sight.
Satan loves the televangelists of the world.


Just think of Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Ted Haggard. They're all precious to Satan. (Trade secret: they all use Satan brand hairspray: it binds the hair and the soul).

And Mitt has other things going for him, as well. For instance, there is his ability to strongly believe and support whatever his prospective voters are likely to believe and support, even if that means changing his deeply held beliefs every few years.

On the other hand, that wacky Mormon belief that Lucifer and Jesus are brothers really pisses off the Monarch of Mendacity: he's very picky about the company he keeps.

But remember, Satan can put money on more than one horse. Unlike God. When God gives his word to one candidate, he has to stick with it. God talks to George W. Bush, Mike Huckabee, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts and many others. Funny thing, he doesn't tell them the same thing. Must be that terrible speech impediment he has. He does pick sides, though. Apparently, he always chooses the winning side in football; at least, the players always give him credit (odd, though, that he doesn't always choose the Saints). And just look at some of the Grammy winners he's chosen. Jeepers.