Well, I'm back from cleaning Hell's litter boxes. It was . . . the stench . . . the mess . . . THE HORROR! Let us never speak of it again. However, for those of you who would like to turn your lives over to Satan, but are saddened by the thought of all the little kitty cats in hell, don't worry: the cats love it. Hell is very warm, and it amuses them to rub against all the ailurophobes and people with allergies.
After I returned, Satan kindly alerted me to a newspaper advertisement for a gun show. The ad. tickled Satan for several reasons. For one thing, "collectibles" was twice spelled "collectables." All right, technically "collectable" is an acceptable variant, but not to Satan. Not many people know that the Knight of Knaughtiness is a stickler over spelling, grammar and punctuation. In fact, contrary to what Dante says, the eighth circle of hell is devoted to sentence diagramming.
What is really delightful about the ad., though, is the variety of deadly weapons available. Remember, guns don't kill people, unless you use them correctly. Here's a little tip on using them correctly: point and shoot. But wait, there's more: not only can you buy guns, ammo, scopes, reloading supplies and, for some reason, coins (I guess if you sharpened them, you could hurt someone with them), you can get your knives sharpened! In other words, no matter what draconian laws our bleeding-heart liberal legislators pass (their hearts aren't bleeding enough, am I right or am I right?), you can still walk out of there with a murder weapon. You're all set to kill!
I know what you're thinking, "Damn, I'd love to get an uzi, but money's really tight after the holidays." Don't worry, you don't need a fancy assault weapon: weapons are all around you. Try a nice, big rock or a pointed stick. Common household items and the products of nature will work a treat.
And Iowans, I can't emphasize enough that the destruction of the world is in your pasty white hands: vote Huckabee at your freaky weird caucuses!
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3 comments:
You know, there is a scene in The Thin Red Line where someone tears a Japanese soldier in half with a roll of quarters stuffed into a shotgun. That seems pretty devilish.
And Knight of Knaughtiness is pronounced "k'NIG-it of k'NAUGHtiness", I assume?
KNIG-it of KNAUG-tiness.
i sharpen coins every so often.
yes, i know its breaking the law, but its a 5 cent razor!
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